jokes

[elianna]

Apply for a Job with the Railroad

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

“What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?”

Fred quickly answered, “Well, I’d call my brother.”

The chief engineer just sat there for a second. “Why would you call your brother?”

“He’s never seen a train wreck before.”

[elianna]

Praying for a Bike

A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:

Dear God;

Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.

[elianna]

More You Might Be a Redneck If….

* You think the stock market has a fence around it.
* Any of your furniture used to be a telephone cable spool.
* Your home has more miles on it than your car.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your Momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
* You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned…and they are still parked outside.
* Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
* You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
* Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother from the law for a few days.
* You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas waiting for cousin Betty Sue.

[conwrilax]

Here ya go. Thanks for the support guys!

[olla86]

teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

[AnticGod]

ROFL... funny ... xD
The second one is better than the first,

[dexternicholson]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

[maahi]

I like second one.This is very funny.

[dexternicholson]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year and every year Ken would say,
"Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, "Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ken replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[BlackEyes]

This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got an e:mail from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...... please advise".

So the old man e:mailed back:...
...Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.